February 13, 2011.
I miss my childhood. So, so much.
I always wanted to grow up, but now I wish I was back to being a kid again.
Somehow, through all the muddling, perplexing years,
Time, in its many shades and whispers, faded away.
I grew up, without knowing I actually did.
Things are different when you get older, when age casts a cloud.
We feel older, the sharp edge of maturity clashing on our younger emotions;
All the things we used to do, no longer so freely spirited as the past.
I had never wanted to be a child.
They had no freedom, as I thought,
They were merely little puppets, doted on, coddled, and loved by parents
Or beaten, left at the mercy of the harsh darkness of the world, without the means to defend themselves, with the only option to grow up, as dark spirited as those who made them be that way.
As time fled away like a child’s bubbling laughter,
I realized, with a slow kind of wonderment, one day
As I sat, unconsciously tugging at a lock of my hair,
That I had grown up.
My thoughts were no longer the childishness of the past,
They didn’t contain the same vivid magnificence of colours,
Of frolicking exuberance and spoilt rashness.
Instead, they had, quite horrifyingly, dissolved, into dull grey
Black, white, and the occasional subtle transparent.
Am I happy?
I did ask myself, as the view out the window blurred through my eyes
Pulling me down once familiar roads, into oblivion
I was alarmed, faintly perturbed.
When I thought of happiness, I no longer thought of unselfish things,
Or doing something meaningful
The things we swore to do, as every child would, when we grew up.
My once noble faiths and ideals, had disappeared into a grainy mix of self-pitying passion, frigid jealousy, and unremorseful, scathing fury.
I quite hate myself for thinking that, for even letting myself be possessed by thoughts of deep depths of ugliness.
They didn’t use to be mine.
I don’t want them to be mine.
This is not my room and those aren’t my stuffed toys.
Posted by Amanda Mabel on 2011-02-13 11:03:45
Tagged: , miss , childhood , being , kid , again , adults , aren’t , fun , fantasy , light , rays , photoshop , teddy , bear , girl , crown , paper , gold , window , bedroom , thinking , bookshelf , chair , table , white , butterfly , desk , stuffed , toys , sunlight , day , trees , glow , dog , dream , amandamabel , 73 , 365 , too , late , return , past , can , stay , child , forever , time , doesn’t , wait , age , transition , nostalgia , free , spirited , maturity , growing , up , am , happy , oblivion , jealousy , noble , ideals , unremorseful , exuberance , unselfish , self , pity , familiar , present , future , freedom
Day 73/365 ~ I Miss my Childhood
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